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Secrets: Let it Out!
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<pt.1> I’m going to split this into parts, because it’s too long to fit on just one ask. Okay, so I’m a bisexual girl and I’ve had feelings for one of my closest friends (also a bisexual girl - let’s nickname her T for the sake of this) for about a year and a half now. She doesn’t know - only 6 people know. The person I told most recently (let’s call her C) I told about two/three weeks ago. She came out to me and told me that she was bisexual too in the same conversation, which I said was absolutely fine. Now, about 3 months ago, T got a boyfriend and it really affected me badly. I know it shouldn’t, because we are just really good friends and I shouldn’t be thinking about her like that, but I couldn’t help it. I started digging my nails into my arms/hands/thighs a lot after that because it made me feel more relaxed and the pain just made it a bit easier to try and forget. I actually did cut a few times with a compass in the school toilets one of the days because… I honestly felt like I was about to break down or something. I haven’t done that since. I cry myself to sleep the majority of nights, and have done for the past year and a half or so. T has broken up with that boyfriend now but I still dig my nails into my skin because it still makes me feel better. C found out about me hurting myself like this and asked me why, and I told her last Thursday. She hugged me and comforted me and told me that it was all okay – C cuts… went into cardiac arrest, because although it wasn’t a complete shock (she’d once told me that I was ‘her type’) I honestly didn’t know what to say. I didn’t end up seeing her for the rest of the day, and I just got a text from her that evening saying “?xxx” I asked one of my closest friends for advice (she was actually the first person I told about me liking T) and she said that the best thing to do was to be honest and tell her exactly what I was thinking. .I replied to C saying that it wouldn’t be fair for me to say yes to her because we both knew that I had feelings for ‘someone’, that they’d built up over such a long time and that they weren’t going to just go away. I also said that I really didn’t want anything to change between us because of everything, and she just replied saying that she was fine with that and that that was what she expected me to say, but that it was worth trying. Later that evening, she. texted me, asking me whether I was there, but my phone was on silent, so I didn’t read the message until about two hours later. I replied to her then, but she texted back telling me that it was okay, and that she had just needed someone to distract her. A few minutes later, she replied again, saying “When you’re trying to stop self-harming, you just need someone to distract you sometimes.” I felt so bad because she was cutting because of me, but I hadn’t been there to stop her… .I felt so bad because she was cutting because of me, but I hadn’t been there to stop her. I felt like such a shitty friend and cried myself to sleep again. When I woke up in the morning, I found loads of red scratches down my arms and legs (hadn’t broken the skin, but they were still really red) from the night before – I hadn’t even realised I was doing it at the time. I just feel really lost now. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing really seems to have changed between me…
Okay, I think this isn’t so much about a love-triangle as it is about self-harming. So I’m go to address this issue head-on.
I hate making assumptions, but I get the sense that you are all young girls, teenagers right? High school? Because I know nobody near my age who does this (anymore). First I want to say that maybe it’s because I’m older, or I’m in a different generation, but I have never fully comprehended the satisfaction people get from physically harming themselves. So keep that in mind that I’m a little ignorant and my response may sound generic. Also, I don’t want to sound like I’m chastising you, but it may come off that way - I apologize ahead of time. This is not just for you, this is for all my readers.
As someone going into medicine, anyone who intentionally harms themselves physically is just mind-boggling to me. I understand the depth of one’s emotions and depression, but there are other ways to go about channeling that negative energy besides hurting your body. Inflicting self-harm is a VERY SERIOUS MATTER. Your physical health means everything, and it is not to be taken lightly. You can’t simply think of cutting as some side-hobby that you think will make you feel better like, I don’t know, painting? I know at a young age you don’t really fully appreciate your health, you feel immortal don’t you? Young forever? But you need to understand your physical well-being is so valuable. You were born with 1 perfect body. Why are you ruining it for a stupid reason?
I don’t like being blunt, but yes, you are all hurting yourselves for a really stupid reason. So what she doesn’t have feelings for so-and-so? and she chose her over so-and-so? Do you understand that you are going to meet so many people within your lifetime? People who will deceive, lie, cheat, and steal from you? Do you really believe that these people are worth your time? Worth your body?
I guess what I mean to say is, if you are willing to go to the extreme, make sure it is for the people that are worth it. If anything preserve your well-being for that person you’re waiting for (no, I don’t mean sex). The only time you should be cutting up your body is if you’re donating a kidney to a loved one. Yeah, I said it.
Okay, sorry if that sounded like a rant, I promise I didn’t intend it to be that way. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t know anybody of my age who cuts anymore. I knew one person back in high school, but she came to realize things passed. High school passes. You meet new people, build new relationships, and trust in others. Real, more mature bonds. I know high school was tough, believe me I know.. being a teenager SUCKS. But it passes and what awaits in the next chapter is SO WORTH IT. I understand you need to find ways to get through it first, but hurting yourself is not one of them. It’s okay to cry, but self-harm does not make things better. Never has, never will. Give me any example where it came out positive, because I’m drawing a blank. Find other ways to exert that emotion. Scream into a pillow and/or beat the shit out of it. Go for a run or bake a cake and throw it across the room. Do anything else besides hurting yourself and others.
If you want to stop cutting and you think you can’t do it alone, then you need to tell an adult (teacher, parent, guidance counselor, nurse, doctor). This isn’t a joke. If you’re serious about stopping, they will be more than willing to help you. Don’t go seeking help from other cutters. It’s like a druggie asking another druggie to help them quit, it doesn’t make sense. If anything, you all go and ask for help together and be each other’s support.
You can’t be happy if you’re not healthy. Be smart about it, and don’t let your emotions cloud your judgement.
Hey everyone, sorry for the delay in responses.
I finished up finals and graduated literally the day after, so as you can imagine my month has been very busy with this and that. I also failed to mention I am away with family for the past two weeks. It all happened so quickly I barely had time to go through your questions.
Anyway, I’m trying to get through them now, so thanks for your patience!
P.S - you’re all killin’ me here with your multiple-parted questions. If you submitted more than 3 parts, I will post your question all in one piece (anonymously) with my response on the bottom. If it is 2-3 parts, it will be posted as a photo with my response on the bottom. So keep a lookout. Keep in mind, the longer the question, the longer it will take for me to answer. I answer questions on a first-come basis.
Anonymous asked: I feel like a bitch to my best friend , it's just that i got her into this program that ive been apart to learn new experiences, build friendships, and experience world and she doesn't seem appreciative of it. She always puts it down, saying it's going to be terrible. She doesn't see the good, and she's really pessimistic. and i can't stand being around negative ppl like that, but she is my best friend and i deal with it but lately it's annoying me and i don't feel like talking to her anymore.
Well, she is your best friend. Good times come with bad ones, it’s part of the package - it’s like having a sibling. You love them, but at times they annoy you and you want to kill them. But it doesn’t mean you don’t love them.
Be a little patient, and don’t be afraid to tell her to cool it. You can tell her that if she doesn’t want to be apart of the program, then she doesn’t have to go. Simple. But if she chooses to go, then tell her not to ruin it for you. She should at least be respectful enough to not ruin things for other people. If you want her to change her attitude, even her faking it a little so you can enjoy, that’s something you need to communicate to her. You may not feel like talking to her about it right now, but definitely do so before you leave for this program.
Anonymous asked: I'm a sophomore in High School right now and everything is stressing me out. my grades are terrible. I never was like this before. I do whatever i can but my math grade is what sort of pulls down my confidence as of right now i have a D. i'm doing all i can to raise it, studying, asking for help, everything. I have no clue what to do anymore, i get so frustrated to the point where i cry , i always think about my future and how i end up nowhere in life because of my grades. what do i do?
A lot of people struggle with math! It’s a pain of a subject. It’s good that you’re doing all you can. Sometimes you just simply don’t get it! Hey, it’s not for you what can ya do? *Shrug* Everybody has a couple of bad subjects. The key is don’t let that one class bring your other classes down with you. Try to separate your courses. If you’re stronger in other places then concentrate on being the best on those. If you have a few low grades it will show a pattern that you’re simply not good in math or science, but maybe you’re good in english and history. But don’t give up, still continue to try hard so at least later on you can say you tried your best and math is just not for you. It happens, and schools realize this. Just make sure you explain yourself in your personal statement that you tried hard when you apply somewhere and show that what you are truly interested in is what you will excel in.